my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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