if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
