you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
