Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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