Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
