Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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