She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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