his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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