No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
