I want to have your abortion
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
