Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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