Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
