this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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