Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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