dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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