I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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