mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wish my penis had a tongue
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
