dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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