Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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