so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
