Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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