since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
