last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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