you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
