Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
