I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it hurts more in the daytime
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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