oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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