Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
