I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
