Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
