I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
