Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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