He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
