You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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