Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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