opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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