Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
