Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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