she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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