I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize