I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
