On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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