dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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