captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
