Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
