I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
