if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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