I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
