oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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