k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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