Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
