I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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