I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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